it's 8pm as i type this. i’m sitting in a busy ER, full of the sick and injured - ranging from the flu, to burns, to a dirtbike accident. since it's about 65 degrees and i live on michigan’s west side where it's nothing but country, they see a lot of dirtbikes.

then you have me. the one who isn't supposed to be here, the one who's here because every other system failed and it was a last resort because i’m miserable and can't function. i have a migraine. pain outta 1-10? 4? 5? maybe a 6, if people don't stop puking and coughing in the waiting room. (none of that is exactly their fault though.)

i’m a stroke survivor. found it in May of 2021. (i had covid 6 months earlier, you’ll find out that's the stem for a lot of my issues.) i was 12. almost 13. and i used to be normal. whatever that meant.

anyway, i’m here for a migraine. pain isn't that bad, really. so why am i here? well, i’m so glad you asked. i'm here because the system hates me. and people like me. and you. and people like you.

when i was first complaining of this migraine three weeks ago, i went to an urgent care center by my house. they ran a flu a&b and covid test and that was all negative; but they were uncomfortable with treating me due to the stroke history.

let me back up a little. the stroke history allows me to not take NSAIDS (meds like ibuprofen, if you didn't know) on the regular because i’m on 81 milligrams of aspirin to prevent clotting and another stroke. but i also can't take regular migraine meds like imitrex because it's a vasoconstrictor and might make another stroke happen.

so this is all a fucked situation and while i’m upset about a lot of things, i also understand. nevertheless, the urgent care told me to go to the ER. i did. they gave me a migraine cocktail of: toradol for pain, compazine for nausea, and benadryl. they also gave me a bag of fluids. this (the urgent care and ER) was all on february 26th. i felt better until that sunday: the 28th.

no big deal, i’m seeing my primary care on that tuesday: march 3rd. they give me an im migraine cocktail with toradol and benadryl. no compazine because i have that at home and the only thing they had was under the tongue zofran that makes me throw up.

okay, that doesn't touch it. at all. the next day, i go get a bottle of purple pedialyte (purple/grape is the best flavor, fight with your momma not me) because maybe i’m dehydrated. well, at the same time i don't know how i could be dehydrated: i have a pink 44 oz Owala emotional support water bottle (covered in snoopy stickers) that i refill roughly 3 times a day so i’m drinking about 132 ounces of water on a daily basis.

nevertheless, i drink it and nothing happens. okay, i keep acting like a human being and less like it feels like i have a jackhammer in my skull. i go back to being normal because i’m supposed to be seeing neurology soon.

my referral was put in when i saw my primary care. but they didn't mark it as urgent. or that this was a girl with an - at the time - three week migraine and a ischemic stroke history. so they go in and make notes, but tell me they can't see me because i’ll be 18 in july and there's no openings before then. so, the adult neuro office gets called and they tell me they don't see 17 year olds. great.

now, it's an ouroboros (the snake eating its own tail). well, i wait and wait and wait for three or four days because primary says they'll call in another referral and make it urgent this time. spoiler alert: they don't.

so here we are: my last resort. the ER because the nurse in the neuro office said to come here and get a referral.

oh, i’m in a room by now. it's about nine thirty pm. i’ve had to pause typing to get my iv and explain, so basically all the er things.

they're giving me another cocktail. great. but first, i get tylenol. yay!! i feel like i’ve had so much of that my liver is going to riot.

okay, it's 8:15 am. i got home at 2 ish. i still have a little pain, but i haven't decided if that's residual or still the migraine. if it's still a migraine, i might end it. i’m kidding! obviously i’m kidding.

but at midnight while i was sleeping so good, they gave me sodium chloride as my discharge papers say - but it's basically salt - decadron, and magnesium.

oh and i’m completely leaving out how neuro wasn't that much of a help and just kinda told us nothing even though they're supposed to be the brain people.

maybe there's a universe where i don't get these stupid migraines. or maybe there's a universe where the healthcare system isn't a nightmare. either way, i’ll be waiting.

till next time,

brianna rae.

i don’t usually do things like this, but i thought, “why not give it a try?” so i created this.

now, if you don’t enjoy reading about personal experiences, this might not be the page for you. this is going to get very dark and very personal. because of this, i will insert trigger warnings as needed in posts! in this substack, i am going to rant about my grief, strange experiences, and journey with spirituality.

yet, i am also going to post extras of my published characters; i.e. i’ll be writing and posting a christmas extra for my dark romance debut couple and another couple i’ve been working on.

if you have no idea who i am, the loss i will be mainly talking about is my mother’s best friend’s death. now, before anyone makes any assumptions, she was like my aunt. i watched her and my momma be girls together. she died from cancer, which obviously isn’t the worst death ever, but it was the worst time of my life. i’ll leave off on this - i carry a lot of guilt over her death because of something i knew but didn’t want to mention, so it wouldn’t be true.

just as a psa: these rants will be very random and very unscheduled; i.e. i can write and post about grief for a week straight and then the next week (if i decide to post) can be extras or spiritual. on my sad days, i’ll mainly be writing about grief and my loss, on my ‘in between’ days, i’ll be writing about my weird thoughts and family experiences and how i got into spirituality.

and yes, i’m using this as a therapy of sorts. but enough about that, i hope you enjoy it here.

- love, brianna rae. <3

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